He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
