Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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