So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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