i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
