My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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