Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Damn victory sex feels great
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
