Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
