got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
