just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
