I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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