I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
