have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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