You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
