my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
