So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
