i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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