brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
This can only be settled by a dance off.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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