Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
