After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
