she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Congratulations! We have a period
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