OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
