Pregnant stripper...not hot.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
