You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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