you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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