I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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