im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
