My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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