We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
