apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
