I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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