he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
