i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
