i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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