dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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