he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
