she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
