she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
