I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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