I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
