Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
