i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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