I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
We had sex on a dog bed..
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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