someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
