I can tuck mytits in my pants
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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