areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
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