After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
you didnt know i had herpes?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
