i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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