Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
