How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
my phone needs a breathalizer
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
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