Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Randomize
