Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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